If you have ever stared at a co-parent message and felt your blood pressure rise, you already know why writing well in this context is harder than it sounds. The message you want to send is rarely the message you should send. Bridging that gap is the entire reason BIFF exists.

This is a practical guide to BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) as it applies to separated-parent communication, with worked examples and the most common traps to avoid. I built It's In Writing partly because the discipline below is much harder to apply on platforms that make it easy to send something quickly. The slower the platform, the more time you have to think.

The four rules

Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute developed BIFF for use in any high-conflict written communication — workplace, legal, family. The four rules are simple to state and difficult to apply:

Brief

Keep the message short. Two to four sentences is usually enough. The longer the message, the more surface area you give the other party to find something to seize on. Short messages have fewer hooks.

If a topic genuinely needs more than four sentences, break it into separate messages by topic. Don't bundle three concerns into a single long message — each one weakens the others.

Informative

Stick to facts. State what is happening, what was agreed, what you are proposing or confirming. No characterisations of the other party's intent, motive, or character. No history. No "you always" or "you never."

The test: if a stranger read the message, would they be able to understand what is being communicated, without needing to know anything about the relationship?

Friendly

Friendly does not mean warm. It means courteous. Standard openings ("Hi [Name]") and standard closings ("Thanks") are sufficient. Don't over-correct toward false warmth — it reads as performance and the other party will notice. Don't over-correct toward coldness either — that reads as hostility.

Neutral courtesy is the goal. The same tone you would use writing to a colleague at work whose name you know but who you don't socialise with.

Firm

End the message. Don't invite back-and-forth. Don't ask questions you don't need answered. Don't add "let me know what you think" if you have already stated what is happening.

This is the rule most parents struggle with. The instinct, especially for parents who lean toward harmony or apology, is to soften the message with an opening for further discussion. Don't. Firm does not mean rude — it means complete. State the matter; close the matter.

Worked examples

The following examples are deliberately mundane — pickups, school events, money. The shape of the BIFF rewrite is what matters, not the specifics.

Example 1 — A reply about pickup time

Provoking message received:

"I cant believe ur changing pickup time AGAIN this is so typical. The kids are going to be upset and its YOUR fault. Why cant u just stick to a plan for once."

Non-BIFF reply (don't send this):

"I'm not changing pickup AGAIN, this is the first time in three weeks. You always frame everything as my fault when actually you've been late to four pickups this month and didn't say anything when I let it go. The kids are fine and they're certainly not upset because they don't even know yet, you're projecting. If you'd actually read my message instead of jumping to attack me you'd see why."

BIFF reply:

"Hi [Name],

Pickup on Saturday will be at 4:30pm instead of 4:00pm — I have a work commitment that runs late. I'll let the kids know.

Thanks, [Your name]"

The BIFF version is shorter, factual, neutral, and complete. It does not engage with the accusation, does not defend, does not counter-accuse, and does not invite further argument. It does what the message needed to do — communicate the schedule change — and stops.

Example 2 — A reply about money

Provoking message received:

"u still havent paid the school excursion fee. always the same with u, expect everyone else to pick up the slack. its been 3 weeks. typical."

BIFF reply:

"Hi [Name],

I'll transfer the school excursion fee today. I missed the original message — I'll set up a calendar reminder for the next one.

Thanks, [Your name]"

Notice what is not in the reply: defence of the delay, counter-accusation about the other party's own delays, explanation of why this is the first time the message is being addressed. None of those help the record or the situation. The BIFF version takes responsibility for the action needed (paying), addresses the gap (calendar reminder), and closes.

If you want to defend yourself or correct an accusation, the right place is rarely the reply itself. If a real misrepresentation is happening, you can address it later — separately, in writing, calmly, when you have time to do it well.

Example 3 — A reply when no reply is expected

Provoking message received:

"thinking about you and how lucky we WERE. miss the family. hope ur happy."

This is the message most parents struggle with most. There is nothing to action, nothing factual to address, just an emotional probe.

BIFF reply (or no reply):

"(no reply)"

Or, if a reply is needed for some reason:

"Hi [Name], thanks for the message."

Two-word replies to emotional probes are completely fine. Don't engage with content that is not asking for a response. The platform can stay quiet.

Example 4 — Asking for something

Outgoing message you need to send:

You want to change Friday pickup to Thursday because of a work trip. Original framing impulse:

"Hey, I know this is inconvenient and I'm so sorry to ask, you're going to think I'm changing things again, but I have this work trip that came up and I really need to swap Friday for Thursday this week, is that OK? I really appreciate it, I know it's a pain, let me know."

BIFF rewrite:

"Hi [Name],

I have a work trip this Friday — could we swap Friday pickup for Thursday this week? Same time, 4pm. Let me know if that works.

Thanks, [Your name]"

Same content. No apologising, no anticipating objections, no over-explaining. The request is simple; the message is simple. If the other parent objects, that is their reply to send — you do not need to pre-empt the objection by carrying it for them.

What to do when you can't write a BIFF reply

There will be messages where the BIFF reply is genuinely hard to compose. Two practical rules.

Wait. The single most useful habit is the 24-hour rule for any reply that takes more than two minutes to compose. Draft it. Save it. Sleep on it. Re-read in the morning. If it still reads as BIFF, send it. If not, rewrite.

Get a second pair of eyes. A trusted friend, a counsellor, a lawyer — whoever — read the draft to someone you trust before sending. The bad replies you avoid are the ones that change everything.

Applying BIFF on a documenting platform

The discipline is the same on SMS, email, OFW, Talking Parents, or It's In Writing — but platforms with read receipts and immutable records do change the calculus slightly. You cannot un-send. Every message becomes part of the record forever.

This is mostly a benefit. The friction the immutability creates is the friction that helps you slow down. The message you write at 11pm and immediately regret is the same message that, on a hash-chained platform, you cannot retrieve. Knowing this — really internalising it — is what trains the BIFF habit fastest.

A small practical tip: write the message in a notes app first, BIFF-check it, then paste into the platform. The act of pasting deliberately is itself a moment of pause.

What BIFF is not

A few things worth saying clearly:

  • It is not weak. A BIFF reply that says "Pickup is at 4pm Saturday as previously arranged" is firm. Brevity is strength, not concession.
  • It is not pretending nothing is wrong. You can disagree, decline, and assert in BIFF voice. You just do it in fewer words and without character imputations.
  • It is not for safety-threatening situations. If you are receiving abuse or threats, BIFF is the wrong tool. Document, get specialist support, and follow safety advice from professionals.
  • It is not a substitute for action. Replying BIFF-style does not solve underlying issues. It manages the written record while the underlying issues are addressed by other means (mediation, legal advice, parenting plans, etc.).

Try It's In Writing

If you want a platform built for this kind of disciplined written communication — slower, more deliberate, fully recorded — start free. Five messages on signup, no card required. Reading is always free for the parent you invite.

The record is the point. BIFF is how you make sure the record reads the way you would want it to.

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