Bill Eddy, a family lawyer and therapist based in San Diego, California. He founded the High Conflict Institute in 2008 and has since written multiple books on managing high-conflict communication, including *BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People* (2014) and *BIFF for CoParent Communication* (2020).

Is BIFF only for written communication?

Primarily yes. BIFF was designed for written replies — email, text messages, app messages, letters — where the writer has time to compose deliberately. The principles can apply to spoken responses too, but the framework is most useful where the medium creates space to think before responding.

Generally yes — for ordinary high-conflict communication. Studies and practitioner reports show that BIFF replies tend to de-escalate exchanges over time, even with parties who initially escalate. BIFF is not magic — it does not turn a hostile co-parent into a cooperative one. It manages the written record and reduces the writer's emotional drain. Both are real benefits.

What's the difference between BIFF and 'grey rock' or other communication methods?

Grey rock involves becoming uninteresting and unresponsive — not engaging with emotional content, not providing reactions to feed off. BIFF is more active: you respond, but the response is calibrated to be deliberately undramatic. BIFF is more useful where some response is required (logistics, scheduling, factual matters). Grey rock is more useful where the goal is to disengage entirely. They are not mutually exclusive — many parents combine them.

Is BIFF appropriate when there is genuine abuse or threats?

No. BIFF is for ordinary high-conflict communication. If you are receiving abuse, threats, or coercive control, the appropriate response involves safety planning, specialist support services (1800RESPECT in Australia), and legal advice. BIFF is not a substitute for safety. Your written replies in those situations may need to be framed differently and your overall communication strategy designed with professional support.

Are there Australian resources for BIFF training?

Yes — the High Conflict Institute runs online programs accessible from Australia. Some Australian family-relationship centres incorporate BIFF principles in their parent-communication courses. Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners (FDRPs) and many Australian family lawyers are familiar with the method and can recommend further reading.

What is BIFF? A practical guide for separated parents

If you have started looking for ways to communicate better with a co-parent — particularly one whose messages frequently escalate — you have probably encountered the term "BIFF" somewhere. This guide is a plain-English explanation of what BIFF is, where it comes from, and what it actually achieves in practice.

I built It's In Writing for separated parents, and BIFF discipline is the single most useful framework I have come across for writing well in this context. This is the introduction; for the practical worked examples, see the BIFF method practical guide.

The acronym

BIFF stands for:

Brief
Informative
Friendly
Firm

Each letter is a property a written reply should have. A message that has all four is "a BIFF reply" — calibrated to be deliberately undramatic, factually clear, courteously toned, and complete in itself.

The framework was developed by Bill Eddy, an American family lawyer and therapist who co-founded the High Conflict Institute in 2008. Eddy has spent his career working with what he calls "high-conflict people" (HCPs) — individuals whose pattern of behaviour tends toward repeated, ongoing, and intractable conflict. The institute now publishes training materials, books, and online courses applying BIFF principles to family law, workplace disputes, neighbour conflicts, and other recurring high-conflict situations.

Why it exists

The core problem BIFF addresses is this: in high-conflict communication, the natural response to a provocative message is often the wrong response.

When someone sends you a message that contains accusations, exaggerations, or emotional escalation, the instinct is usually one of three things:

Defend — explain why the accusation is wrong, in detail.
Counter-attack — respond with your own grievances or accusations.
Capitulate — apologise excessively to defuse the conflict, even when no apology is owed.

All three of these tend to escalate the situation rather than resolve it. They give the other party more material to respond to, more emotional surface area, and more reasons to continue. The exchange grows. The record grows in length and emotional charge.

BIFF interrupts this pattern by replying in a way that does not give the other party material to seize on. The reply is short. It is factual. It is courteous. It does not invite further response.

Over time, with consistent application, BIFF tends to reduce the volume and intensity of the exchanges — partly because there is less to respond to, and partly because the writer is no longer being drained by every interaction.

What BIFF replies look like

A BIFF reply has these characteristics:

Two to four sentences. Not a paragraph. Not multiple paragraphs.
Factual content only. What is happening, what was agreed, what is being requested.
No characterisations. No "you always", no "you never", no "the problem with you is".
Standard openings and closings. "Hi [Name]" / "Thanks". Not warm, not cold.
Conclusive. The matter is closed at the end of the message. No questions inviting reply unless a reply is genuinely needed.

A non-BIFF reply, by contrast, often:

Runs five sentences or more.
Mixes factual content with emotional content or accusations.
Contains "you" statements that characterise the other party.
Either over-warm ("I'm so sorry, I really hope this works") or cold ("As I have already said multiple times").
Ends with an open invitation for further argument.

The differences are subtle but, applied consistently, the cumulative effect is significant.

Why it works for separated parents specifically

Co-parent communication has properties that make BIFF unusually well-suited to it:

The communication is ongoing. Unlike a one-off legal exchange, co-parents communicate for years. Patterns established early affect every subsequent exchange. BIFF habits compound.
The audience is potentially a third party. Mediators, family-court judges, lawyers, and family report writers may eventually read the messages. BIFF replies read well to a third party. Non-BIFF replies do not.
Emotional surface area is high. The relationship between separated parents is one of the most emotionally loaded contexts in adult life. The reply you write at 11pm reflects that. BIFF gives you a structure to work against.
The medium creates a permanent record. SMS, email, and platform messages do not disappear. The reply you sent in a moment of frustration is still readable a year later. BIFF protects you from your worst moments.

What BIFF is not

A few clarifications worth making explicit:

BIFF is not capitulation. A firm BIFF reply asserts your position clearly. "Pickup will be at 4pm Saturday as previously arranged" is a firm reply. It does not engage in argument; it states the position.

BIFF is not avoiding conflict. It is choosing how to engage with conflict. You can disagree clearly, decline requests, and refuse propositions in BIFF voice. The framework is about how, not whether, you respond.

BIFF is not for every situation. Where there is abuse, threat, or coercive control, BIFF alone is inadequate. Those situations require safety planning, specialist support (1800RESPECT in Australia), and legal advice. BIFF is for ordinary high-conflict communication, not for safety crises.

BIFF is not a substitute for action. A skilled BIFF reply manages the message; it does not solve the underlying issue. Underlying issues are solved by mediation, parenting plans, legal proceedings, or — in some cases — time and the maturing of the situation.

How to start applying it

Three practical steps:

Read a worked-examples guide. Theory only goes so far. The BIFF practical guide walks through real-shaped examples and rewrites.
Adopt the 24-hour rule for difficult replies. Draft them. Save them. Read in the morning. Most non-BIFF drafts disappear in the cold light of day.
Use a platform that creates space. Slower, more deliberate platforms (purpose-built co-parent apps) help you build the habit faster than fast platforms (SMS, WhatsApp). The platform is part of the discipline.

Where to learn more

The canonical sources are Bill Eddy's books:

BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People (2014) — the original framework.
BIFF for CoParent Communication (2020) — applied specifically to separated-parent situations.
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life (2018) — broader context on high-conflict patterns.

The High Conflict Institute also runs online courses (paid) for parents and practitioners. In Australia, some Family Relationship Centres and Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners incorporate BIFF principles in their training.

Try It's In Writing

If you want a platform built for the kind of disciplined written communication BIFF requires — A$39.95 per parent per year, hash-chained, Australian-built — start free. Five messages on signup, no card required.

The record is the point. BIFF is the discipline that makes the record one you would be happy for a stranger to read.